Granny Camp

"It was my Granny who taught me to sew. . ." That's a line from a poem I wrote years ago watching Kelly and Katie grow up with so many more opportunities than my Granny had. Granny had 9 grandchildren, first a group of us six girls and then Uncle Bobby FINALLY married and she got one more girl and two boys out of the deal.

As kids we always got to spend a week at Granny's house in Goodyear Heights in Akron, OH where we ate watermelon, broke her china, sampled her Pond's moisturizing cream, raided her goody drawer and ate her fried chicken -- the major meal of the day served at noon when Pappy got off of his shift at Goodyear. AND she taught us all to sew, taking us to the basement of Polskey's where one summer I remember touching every single bolt of fabric until I finally picked out red corduroy and red and white gingham for a shift jumper and blouse. We laid out the pattern on the fabric in the upstairs hallway, crawling up and down while she helped me place the tissue just right to maximize the use of the fabric and minimize waste. Granny was not a wasteful person. That outfit, the smell of the fabric, the hum and rush of the sewing machine sitting under her bedroom window are as fresh a memory to me today as if it had been last summer.

Somehow she managed to make us all seem special. I remember growing up with a sense of pride about being a Holbrook. Not that the family was perfect -- far from it -- but it was a family that went out of its way -- sometimes great distances out of the way -- to stay close. And us cousins each treasured our weeks at Granny's -- often shared with one other cousin. Because of these weeks and annual vacation trips, we cousins grew up and remain close -- although we are scattered from North Carolina, to Ohio, to Colorado, to Arizona. We grew up and count among us an artist, a poet, a dentist, a doctor of psychology, a business owner and yoga instructor. Three of us have become Grannies ourselves.

This year, in a grand experiment, we will all travel to Debbi's house in Tucson to paint, hike, visit the desert museum, touch a cactus, sing around the campfire, write in our journals, and learn to know our faraway cousins and Grannies a little better. Granny Camp for cousins ages 6 and up. http://web.mac.com/mcculla/Granny_camp

In preparation, Kelly and Ben made a video introduction that not only introduces him, but looks to be part of the long process of dealing with the death of the cousin with whom he was the closest, our Stephie. While Stephie will not be traveling with us to Tucson, we will carry her smile with us in our hearts, on this trip and for always. For more information about Kelly's process in doing this, visit her blog. http://rememberingtheday2day.blogspot.com/

Conneaut Schools

The kids at Lakeshore and Gateway Schools in Conneaut, OH were prepped and hoppin' ready for poetry when I arrived this week. One teacher commented (caringly) that I must have my "gameface" on to be there working with the kids considering the tragic circumstances of these last weeks. And to tell the truth, I drove there thinking that I might have to paste on a smile -- but that was not the case at all. We sat in the library (and the gym) and talked about the truth of poetry and connected eye-to-eye, nothing artificial.

I heard rumors (you KNOW how teachers love to talk!) that kids were writing poetry AND becoming much more dramatic in their poetry performance after the assemblies at Gateway. I might have had a small hand in that (follow the arrow in the picture) but real kudos go to the teachers, media specialists and reading specialists who got the kids all jazzed before I got there. THANKS!

A Question of Family

Today I visited a school and at the end of the assemblies the questions were regular, how old are you? how much money do you make? how old are your children now? We are all a lot older than we were a few weeks ago. What I have learned from past surgeries in my life is that scar tissue comes back tougher than the onion skin nature gives us to begin with.


photos by sarah edleman
From left to right, Michael, me, Katie, Tom (Katie's and Kelly's dad and my ex-husband) Ro (Tom's wonderful wife and my dear friend) Darcy (Ro's daughter and Katie and Kelly's stepsister and Kelly. I wouldn't have thought that we needed to be tougher -- but that is what we must become in order to support one another.


Gratefully, no one asked me how many grandchildren I have. The six pack is off balance. Now we begin to try and remold our family (again) and grow around the painful gash where darling Stephie used to be. The question I ask myself tonight is: how much longer, how many more days or weeks or months will it be before I can call any one of my family and just say "what's up?" and not mean, are you still standing? Can you breathe today?

Family is what the universe gives us to teach us how to love, how to share, how to fight, how to make up, how to live, how to rejoice, how to heal, and how to go on. Kelly asked me this morning (when we were checking to make sure we were both breathing) if I could imagine what it would be like to go through something like this alone.

I can't. We are so blessed.

Claire's Day

Claire's Day is a reading celebration in Toledo that is held once a year in honor of a 10 year old girl who went to summer camp and never came home. She had a cardiac arrest. I had been signed up to present for at least a year in advance. I went thinking it would either be a very good idea to go or would bury me in another wave of sadness. Turned out to be very good. It is wonderful the vibrant event that the Rubini's have built in Claire's memory. http://www.clairesday.org/

Loved talking to the kids -- although I must confess, I don't think it was my best show of all time. I'm struggling with finding enough enthusiasm to breathe, let alone perform. But as usual, the energy comes from the eyes of the kids in the audience and they never fail me.

Two of my cousins, Karen and Debbi, and I are planning a Granny Camp in Tucson this summer. The planning emails are starting to fly back and forth. My own grandmother (who I called Gigi) used to say, "the living take care of the living." And so we do, weaving the future out of frayed heart strings.

Why are you teaching us to write poetry?

Not a smart mouth, not unkind. Just a question from a third grader today at R.C. Waters Elementary in Oak Harbor, OH.

The morning assemblies were actually a comfort -- it was good to be with happy children without parentheses of pain about their eyes -- like stepping from a darkened theater into the sun, it required some adjustment. Why was I there teaching them to write poetry?

Yesterday I spent much of the afternoon putting in a new garden in Katie's back yard, made up of plants gifted in memorial. A lilac bush, an azalea, two hyacinth, and lots of forget me nots. After that I drove 90 minutes to Toledo, checking into a hotel. Late last night, Katie called me to read me a poem she's written, composed after listing pages of words collected from the wishes, fears and medical reports of Stephie's last days -- a strobe of a poem that made my eyes water.

Today the third grade writers were listing details about their bathtubs. From hair in the drain to bubbles up the nose, we talked about the importance of details in making clear images for our poems. The blond girl had a pencil in one hand and her paper in the other, sitting on the floor, when she turned to me and asked with a genuine interest in my response, "why are you teaching us to write poetry?"

"Because someday you will need it. I can't tell you when, but you will."

Thank you

So many notes and calls -- meat platters, fruit baskets, plants, flowers and a tree. We can't thank everyone enough for all your caring thoughts and feeling hearts. We remain off balance, a bright star missing from the mobile of family.

So much support from community -- our wide community of teachers, students, friends, neighbors, writers, children, elders, businesses -- an overwhelming tidal wave of love to help buoy our family. The pain is too great to carry alone. Grateful thanks to all who have contacted us to ask if they could help shoulder a piece.

Yesterday along with all the tears were also smiles. Stephie was a happy girl, loved and loving. Please visit my daughter Kelly's blog and fliker site for more images. http://rememberingtheday2day.blogspot.com/

Jane Yolen wrote this reminder to me: "We are so accustomed to believing in forever, we forget to celebrate the now moments. Borrowing from tomorrow." Yesterday we celebrated the now along with grieving for the lost tomorrows. Life is fickle, you just can't trust it.

But I have been reminded of what we can trust, and that is the love of family and community. Thank you. Thank you.

Stephanie Lufkin

STEPHANIE LYN "STEPHIE" LUFKIN, age 7. First Grade Student at Normandy Elementary School, Bay Village. Precious princess and cherished daughter of Katie (nee Traynor) and Douglas; loving sister of Scotty and Sara; adored granddaughter of Sara Holbrook and Michael Salinger, Thomas Traynor and Rosemary Breehl, Joe and Lyn Lufkin of Tampa, FL.; sweet niece of Kelly "Tee-Tee" and Brian Weist, Dave and Cyndi Lufkin, Darcy and Doug Zehe, Cheryl and Dan Belic, Tom Lufkin and Max and Frank Salinger; awesome cousin to Benny, Danny, Tommy, Mason, Conor, Angela and Big Money Nick; best-est friend to Miss Clare Matthews and deeply loved by all who knew her. Seven years ago Stephie danced her way into our hearts and cart-wheeled through life. Passed away, Thursday, May 8, 2008. Funeral Services, Bay Presbyterian Church (Lake and Columbia Roads) TUESDAY May 13th at 11:00 AM. Interment Lakewood Park Cemetery. Friends may call in the McGORRAY BROS. FUNERAL HOME OF WESTLAKE, 25620 CENTER RIDGE RD. (Just West of Columbia) MONDAY from 2-4 and 6-9 PM and TUESDAY MORNING AT BAY PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH (In The Great Hall) from 10:00 AM TILL TIME OF SERVICES. In lieu of flowers, family suggests memorials to The Stephanie Lufkin Memorial Fund at Charter One Bank, 411 Dover Center Rd, Bay VillageOH 44140. www.cleveland.com/obits

Breaking the Ice

I haven't been blogging -- obviously, the last blog has a picture of a blizzard and birds who can't believe their luck are breakfasting on swiped grass seed from the front lawn. I've been form Istanbul to Iowa and various stops in between since last writing. I always have more excuses for not writing than for eating unhealthy foods and I've been delving into both of those pass times shamelessly. Although not writing here, I do have three manuscripts in process -- and a fourth that is only in an infant stage.

More than Just Friends -- this book now has a cover, see above. The photo was shot by my friend Steve Smith, now of Mexico when he and his wife were living in Morocco. These were the same two that we visited in Croatia in December of 2006 when and where I actually wrote two of the sonnets in the book. Allan Wolf and I are anxiously awaiting layouts of the book to see what was done with the photos inside of the book.

I am also working on a manuscript of poems for primary folks and this week I am visiting Mentor High School to write definition poems with the tenth grade for a teacher professional book -- working from a vocabulary list from Lord of the Flies.

High school kids treat vocabulary lessons with same the gleeful anticipation that gets them jazzed before, say, a gritty dust storm. A storm that would be bad enough to get under your tank top but not bad enough to cancel school. In preparation for entering the storm, I took one of the words from the list and made a kind of monologue definition of it.

Hiatus

Excuse me. Do you mind?
Give me a break.
I am hiatus and I don't go with the flow.
I stop.
Like this.
Interrupting the current, I'll dam up your stream.
I'll be the chasm in your prairie.
I'm the off switch on your wall.
Got the picture? The picture with the hole in it?
That's me.
BTW, we're done.
I'm gone.
Break time.

All things considered, that one seemed appropriate to share here. Except, I'm not gone. I'm back. Hiatus is over. I hope.

The opposite of Bali

The opposite of Bali is Cleveland in the blizzard of the century. Granted, the century is only 8 years old, but this was it man. The recital that ODOT prepares for all year, the big show, winter's grand finale. The good thing is she still has it in her to blast the human race into almost total submission. The bad thing is she let loose on the day we were to depart for Istanbul. And we were so close. On the plane -- on an earlier flight -- bags in the hold, books in hand, and they off loaded us. Among the many problems that crowded in next was the fact there would be no seats on any plane out of Cleveland left for a Sunday departure, meaning we had not lost one day, but two.

A plan was hatched (be it somewhat crazy) to DRIVE through the blizzard to Detroit where we could meet up with our delayed itinerary on Sunday. Avis was too smart to be renting cars, but National was happy (in a heh heh you fools sort of way) to provide us with a grandma land cruiser to mount our assault on the turnpike. White out conditions, white on the road, Michael's white knuckles on the wheel. The thing about the picture below is that it is in full color.




Saw a snow plow in a ditch, wounded cars and trucks at odd angles to the traffic, very little of the road, and finally the sun as we emerged from the storm around Toledo. We celebrated with chili dogs at Tony Paco's Cafe (made infamous by Mash's Klinger) and crashed at a Holiday Inn Express, and ironic cap to a day of delays.


Remembering what we learned in Bali, that there is not bad -- just good and not so good -- it is impossible to let yesterday's blizzard snow all over today. But I definitely think you could say yesterday was not so good.

Mont 'Kiara International School Kuala Lumpur

I was blown away by Mont'Kiara. Posted all over were copies of my poems and the kids had studied and had fun with the poems in preparation for my visit. I could tell what a good job the teachers did in preparing the students when I found them reciting some of the poems right along with me. The students even prepared an original poem for the introduction. I have been away from my computer and reconnecting with Kelly and family in Virginia and I left my photos on my home computer, so this posting is late. Too late. Now, as I look at these pictures over a week old, it seems like I'm calling up old friends. Hey, remember me? I sure remember you!

I remember the voices, the smiles, and the handshakes and all that made this a wonderful visit. Many many thanks to media specialists Amy Sholdt and Laurie Collins for making my visit to Kuala Lumpur extra special.

I didn't see them, but I heard that monkeys play on the playground at MKIS and even get into backpacks and lunches. What I did see was a rehearsal for an upcoming program where some students were playing large drums and others were doing line dancing to Achy Breaky Heart. When you think about it, the USA exports some of the strangest commodities.

Teacher Pat Carelli had her students write the most colorful and precious thank you notes. As the lights of the plane were dimmed as it gained altitude, I opened up the envelope and chuckled and smiled over the carefully illustrated poems and notes composed by her students. I am so impressed by their writing and drawing talents.

These past few weeks have almost been too much to absorb for me. All the kindness and the poetry way more than made up for the long hours on the airplanes. In fact, sitting here this evening, I don't hardly remember the plane rides, or the waits, or the lines at immigration. Those memories have sunk to the bottom. What remains on top are all the smiling friends.

One Gong or Two?

"Everybody take out a piece of paper and something to write with." So begins the writing workshop. Michael and I conducted about 20 workshops at JIS Middle -- lots of students, lots of pens on paper. Some of the poems I never heard because the writers were too shy to share. Others flew by in presentation almost too fast to hear (pacing, pacing). In the end, everyone got something written and hopefully gained some confidence in their own ability to organize thoughts and commit them to paper.

At the end of the week the students participated in a series of poetry jams -- not really slams. But the audience was still involved as they cheered for each poet to receive one gong or two from the giant gamalong on stage. Due to the inevitable reality of score creep, we were up to 5, 6 and 10 gongs by the time each class period ended.

Two girls (separately) were so freaked out by the idea of live performance of their own poetry that they were actually sobbing when it came their time to read. But each girl DID IT. Everyone marveled at their courage (6 gongs!)

There were many great poems throughout the week and it really is impossible to choose just one to feature as an example, but unfortunately there isn't space here to publish them all. Eighth grader Simran Ahluwalia's poem was powerful when he read it in class, and then again at the end of the week. I asked Simran (pictured above with Michael) to share a copy of his poem with me so I could post it here. His teacher Scott Chamberlain forwarded it on. Like many of the JIS students, Simran has mastered English as a second language, which makes his composition all the more exceptional.

In the depths of the abyss we call a brain,
In the left half lays the most powerful psychological weapon.

Creativity is a rainbow coloured sword,
A sword which brings all knowledge to its knees.
Sages of the coloured art speak out against the box,
The box which keeps uniform and order.
To have creativity is a curse once you show it,
Public want more and more of it.
A masked poison to keep unicorms alive,
Used by war departments to inflict maximum pain.

Simran Ahluwalia

To all the poets I met at JIS, I say thank you for sharing a little piece of yourselves through your poetry. Special thanks to Simran for allowing me to share his poem here.

Jakarta International Middle School

A couple of traveling poets might be a little wary about an assembly at 7:30 AM on Monday morning under any circumstances. The kick off assembly at JIS Middle School followed a long weekend, a holiday to celebrate Chinese New Year. And just as Michael and I had vacationed in Bali for the weekend, many of the students had been off somewhere if not physically, then mentally for five whole days. But as the stage was once again lined with flowers and the members of the string ochestra poised their bows to the tap of the conductor, I felt the room of students settle into quiet attention. Not nap mode -- quiet attention.

First, about the string orchestra. Bravo! I mean, incredible. They were playing Arabian Dreams, by Soon Hee Newbold. (here is a link to an online version http://www.fjhmusic.com/strings/st6027.htm) They were not playing Home on the Range or Long, Long Ago, mind you. It was beautiful. Haunting, lyrical, like a Rumi poem on horseback. The other piece (I believe) was Vivaldi, but when it comes to classical music, I am definitely NOT smarter than a sixth grader. We were introduced with an original poem by two students and read by the poets. And then Michael and I were both presented with lovely silk scarves, tokens of honor, and instructed in how to wear them. Many thanks to media specialist Kate Hodgson for all her planning and extraordinary efforts to make the week a success.

The rest of the week was great as we got to meet each class twice, one for writing and once for performance. On Thursday night it was Family Poetry Night and we joined Georgia Heard (and her son Leo, who were there visiting the elementary schools) for a night to celebrate poetry.

It happened to be on Valentine's night, and it truly was a heartwarming event. Kids, teachers, and parents wrote love messages (I love your eyes, you are my heart, I love when you lean into my shoulder, etc.) on post-its and we read them as a giant list poem at the end of the evening. The kids lined up to take turns reading each other's notes and continued to write more, all for a chance to come to the mic in the name of LOVE.

Spontaneous poetry.

Good and Not so Good

"Don’t breathe as you pass by."

The sun searches for landing pads on the jungle floor, hopping from leaf to leaf. Dawa has picked a small white flower and explained it is used for eye wash, cautioned us not to touch another broad leaf plant because the surface is covered with fine skin penetrating spines that cause insane itching and pain – the only relief is to roll a sticky toad over the assaulted body part to remove the needles – no worry, the toad does not suffer and quickly replaces his gooey body covering. No worry?

This is not the metropark or a tourist attraction, although we are indeed tourists in our sandals and cameras, Dawa is taking us into his village to explain his way of life. Keleki Village is about 20 minutes north of Ubud on the island of Bali and stepping down off the main road onto the red dirt path way is stepping through a portal in a previous century. Which century? Doesn’t matter, they all blend together here. A special festival is being prepared at a nearby temple, but everyday is celebrated by spiritual devotions in the form of round, square and leaf offerings are made to the gods – some high up to honor the Hindu gods of Vishnu & Co. and others placed on the ground to appease the bad gods. It’s all about balance, black and white. Outside every shop in town, every home, and scattered about on the street are offering set there three times a day.

Dawa explains there each day is defined on a master calendar – some days are good for planting, some bad, there are good days for building, for marrying, for traveling and bad days for all of the above – the list is extensive. Naturally, there are good and bad days to be born. We are touring the morning after a bad day to die and one unfortunate had slipped away in the night. The usual practice is for the dead to be carried to the cemetery by the entire village, the spent life celebrated with prayers and song and the grave sanctified with holy water. he has been buried unceremoniously.

According to Bali custom, nothing is all good or all bad – good and bad only exist because of each other. Black and white. Even the Bali bombings which crushed the tourist industry on the island aren’t viewed as all bad, more like an opportunity to look at what was being done to disturb the gods of the underworld in the first place. The bombings happened in nightclub area in 2002 and 2005 and there is hardly a conversation with a local that the tragedies don’t come up.
Our two hour tour turns into a six hour trek along narrow rice paddy lanes and through houses and home shrines. As we pass through the 400 year old cemetery, Dawa explains that every three years they did up all the deceased and cremate them, thereby satisfying both their Buddhist and Hindu gods.

But as we walk up to the most recent grave, Dawa cautions us not to breathe as we pass by. Since the villager died on a not so good day, a hollow bamboo stick was placed in his mouth. After 30 days, they will have a ceremony and holy water blessed from the priest at the local temple will be poured into is mouth. Going out to the rice fields and on our return we file past the bamboo – and do not breathe.

Bali Backroads and mind massage

Whatever happened on super Tuesday?
Has another snow storm hit Cleveland?
Is our house still standing?
Do I have everything in order for school next Monday?

Thoughts of elsewhere dart into my mind like now you see ‘em now you don’t geckos. Not the geckos on commercials who casually offer tea and jam with insurance quotes, but the real little green lizards that are treated like royalty here because they eat bugs. I don’t know if it is the lingering jet lag or just the spiritual magic that hangs heavy in the rain forest, but its hard to think here, there’s too much to experience.

We drive as fast as possible past the morning and evening sunset beaches to a spa owned by Jakarta teachers Hugh and Rita Collett. Well, to put that a little more accurately, a driver from the Alam Sari Spa drives us. Only tourists who have a mad desire to get REALLY in touch with the spirit world would venture to drive out of the airport where traffic lines are for sissies and every four wheeled vehicle is orbited by satellites of motorcylces. There is a fair amount of horn honking, but I notice that it is not aggressive "get out of my way" honking. More like, "hey, I'm over here, don't hit me," honking. Lots of speed bumps, everyone gets cut off regularly and there is zero road rage.

The above picture is the corner of our private bungalow for the week. Our bed is decorated with flowers and we look out on a temple that receives offerings from staff 3 times a day.

Having just read Eat, Love, Pray (highly recommended) I know that Bali is a spiritual place, but nothing prepares you for the ubiquitous temples that rise on every corner and rice paddy. Each of the mailbox shaped structures here in the rice paddy is a temple made for offerings to enhance fertility. By all appearances, the offerings seem to be working as Bali ia one of the most fertile places on the planet. A balsa tree can grow 12 centimeters a day! Plant such as bamboo and rice and sweet potatoes are just broken from an exising plant and tucked in the red earth.

Jakarta International HS

I'm three weeks behind in blogging and over flowing with images and notes about our trip to SE Asia. Like a series of red roofed pagodas, Jakarta Airport sits surrounded by palm leaves and blossoming trees. Another American on board shows us how to scoot through the process of purchasing visas and before we know it, we’ve cleared customs and met our hosting teachers Dianne and Kate. Finally friendly faces to put with all those emails we’ve sent over the past months. One bag has lost a wheel, but other than that we arrive in tact. We are driven to Dianne’s house where we will spend the next three days while visiting JIS High School. All told, the trip has taken us 36 hours, not enough of it sleeping.

The first night we have dinner at an elegant hotel restaurant, but I am so tired, I almost take a header into the pesto. Monday morning comes the way it does everywhere else in the world, a little too early and less rested than ideal. Michael and I perform a quick 30 minute set for 1000 HS students and then split up to visit, write, and practice performance with a series of classes.

The assembly is in a dark auditorium, the students file in laden with backpacks, and every thing is very regular from a US point of view except that prior to the show, a caretaker has taken care to line the front of the stage with draped batik and fresh flowers.

The school is a sprawling, two story building connected by brick walkways and overhanging greenery. Students gather on benches and at kiosks to socialize in between classes. The classes are relatively smail, twenty something students, every single one of whom appears to be engaged and attentive to the class – and keeping in mind these are the two days between a major sports tournament and their five day break for the Chinese New Year, this is amazing. We have a great two days and hopefully the students take away not only a poem, but the inspiration to commit more poetry to paper.

One thing I learned for sure: it is not a good plan to fly in on Sunday afternoon and committ to an assembly for 1000 HS students at 7:30AM the next morning. By the end of the day I was spinning, literally. Turn me around fast and no way could I have pinned a tail on an elephant. Thank you to librarian Dianne Salimen for all her background work to make the event a success and for bringing me chocolate to help me make it through the first day.

Kid friendly airport in Taiwan!

Check out the Hello Kitty lounge for girls and the video game lounge for boys. Please also ch

eck out how calmly the kids are playing. We have been traveling 20 + hours and have 4 or 5 more to go -- if we totally understood the time changes, it would make calculating easier. One thing for sure -- when we get there, we'll be there. Brushed my teeth, changed clothes and washed my face. Whew, that feels better. Even had a real time online conversation with Kelly. Technology is so amazing.

Poetry to Go

I forget when I first dreamed of being a writer. I've always being a note taker. One of my earliest writing recollections was when the principal came over the loud speaker while I was in math class and announced that President Kennedy had been shot. This was before there was a TV in every classroom -- the black and white video days -- doubtful there was even a TV in the school. Instead, the principal put the radio on over the scratchy squawk box and we listened as the news went from bad to worse and the president's death was confirmed. I remember reaching into my desk and pulling out my assignment notebook and taking notes -- the girl next to me was crying, the teacher was staring up at the box on the wall, the room was still, eyes were glassy with disbelief. I no longer have these notes, but I have a clear recollection of taking them.

Still, I never thought of myself as a potential writer, despite my perverse attraction to office supplies -- a new notebook gets my heart pumping. I love the tactile feel of papers and have been known to test pens on inappropriate canvases. I used to sit at my desk, write on pink lined paper with a turquoise ball point pen with funny smelling ink and pretend I was -- a secretary. I was a girl. I had already learned the hard way that girls could not make captain in the safety patrol, they could only be lieutenants. Those were the days when jobs were listed in the newspaper under men's jobs and women's jobs and in the women's column were teachers, nurses and secretaries. The fact is, I never even dreamed I could be a writer, that was a job in the men's column of my twisted little brain. I chose to dream of becoming a secretary because of the easy access to office supplies, I guess.

So this is how I have always lived -- taking notes. And over the years some of those notes have turned into poems. Somewhere along the way I started to read about writers. Biographies, notes on their lives, birds by birds, blood on the forehead. Live and Yearn. And somewhere between Virginia Wolfe and Annie Dillard, I fell into the life I never dreamed of, yearning for the sunlit desk, sipping steaming tea by the banks of Plum Creek watching the silent snow and forming perfect words with a fountain pen, because that is what writers do -- right?

No where in all the reading I did about the writer's life (extensive) did I read anything about waiting for hotel shuttles that don't come, sleeping in a bathtub when the reservation evaporates, sleeping on airport floors, delayed flights that mean no sleep at all. Dreading snow because it means flight delays, lukewarm tea in ballrooms and pens that explode at 20,000 feet. So, whenever I meet a yearner who asks me about the writer's life -- I insist on listing some of the realities. I mean, really.

I checked into the hotel in Lexington this afternoon and dumped my purse on the bed. This is the first stop on a long trip and I'm excited and nervous at the same time. Nervous because I'm watching the reports of a "complex storm system" that threatens to derail the close connections that will enable me to meet up with Michael (brief episodes of freezing rain) and fly on to Jakarta. (We're looking at several inches and high winds, mayber 30 miles per hour). I haven't started to bite my nails yet, (temperatures should start to drop off around midnight) but that's just because my fingers are on this keyboard after thawing out from waiting for the errant shuttle. (reports of some sleet, big area of low pressure)

Tomorrow I will meet some old and new friends at the Kentucky Council of Teachers of English, (pockets of ice), give a talk, sign some books and head for the airport (storm will sweep across IL and IN and into OH) where hopefully the little prop plane (wintery mix, weather advisory, stay tuned for school closings) that brought me here will take me north to get on a big bird that can fly over the storm.

Annie, Virginia -- you never said it would be like this!

Gambling on health care

"How much does this CAT scan cost?" I asked the lady with the clipboard.
"I have no idea. Please complete the form on both sides."
"I mean an idea. Ball park. Say if I didn't have insurance."
"Don't forget to sign and date the form. I really don't know."
"Oh."
"How much does this cost?" I asked the lady drawing my blood.
"Depends on what the doctor ordered."
"What did she order?"
"Standard workup."
"How much is the standard work up?"
"Don't know. Ask the lady out front."
That's the lady with the clip board, if she knows costs, she ain't tellin'.
"How much does this cost?" I asked the lady who operates the big machine that's going to take pictures of my belly in little slices.
"The machine?"
"No, this test."
"Didn't you get pre-approval?" She looked stricken.
"I guess so, I filled out the green form. I was just wondering about the cost of the scan.
"Gracious, I have no idea."

Next month my health care switches to a $2500 annual deductible, a new plan designed to lower my monthly premiums, gambling I won't encounter any health issues that require a knife, a drug or a bandaid. I'm sure the women today were honest when they said they didn't know the costs. I'm sure the costs change depending who is paying the bill. Kind of like when you go to a foreign country and they have one menu for tourists and one for locals, health care providers get a better price. In the land of diagnostics, I'm about to become a tourist fumbling with funny money and unable to read the menu. Even if I knew the language, I couldn't read the menu because it is all in the waiter's head and the prices change depending on who's paying the bill.

Michael and I got cheated at a restaurant in Almaty this way. I know this game and I don't like it.

The CAT scan was clear, the pain in my side was probably caused by tearing a muscle lifting weights (or books, or suitcases or my toothbrush, who knows about these things). It nags. But what nags me more tonight is wondering what the diagnosis cost. For real. And what I would have been charged next month. Would I have even gone for the test if no one could have told me in advance how much the bill would be? Or would I have just thrown the dice. Who wants to play those types of odds?

Abai and Aitys

"A clock is a ticking thief
stealing life daily, taking it unnoticed,
so that without love and constancy
life is nonetheless just fleeting deception."

Abai

Do you think now that (for the most part) we have taken the tick out of clocks and replaced the relentless metronome beat with a hum that we are more or less conscious of time passing? I used to have one of those clocks that dropped a slat every minute with a distinctive click. I threw it out within a week because it made me nuts, but was it the sound that made me crazy or the concept? I remember reaching into the belly of my cousin Karen's grandfather clock to stop the pendulum swing so I could sleep. Time may be passing, but I sure don't want to be reminded of it when I'm trying to sleep. Abai, Kazakhstan's most famous poetic son, lived from 1845-1904, and his writings now seem almost as ancient as the images of petroglyphs pictured above. (photo taken at a restaurant where I did in fact sample horse and camel meat and I don't want to talk about it.) He didn't much like the Russians invading, time passing or sloth. He liked summer. Who wouldn't dining on horse jerky and living in transitional housing, a yurt on the bleak steppes where temperatures nosedive below zero for more than a third of the year? His themes are universal, but his poetry is very dark.

I go down to the bottom, and thirstily drink

the venomous poison of days I've lived through . . .

Man, have I had days like that. If there is anything more wasteful than just cruising through days unmindful of the clock, it has to be savoring the poison of the past. And some days I just can't resist picking up that cup and gulping it down. This is why we invented TV and other mind numbing drugs, so our minds don't take us to belly up to that bar and overindulge on regret. Even in happy times, that cup is there, steaming, its aroma tempting the senses. Maybe this is part of what makes a poet, the nerve (or the obsession) to drain the cup, examine the tea leaves and write to tell about it. The inability to find one's way back from the past is insanity, always a constant threat.

Modern Kazakh poets compete in slam-like contests (Aitys) on television, ranting about all the same things poets rail against here -- the government, the corporations, lack of individual freedom. I didn't see it, but I did read about the poetic Aitys, which apparently the government tolerates because it is an age old tradition for poets to rant. Pretty surprising for a government that does not let anyone take photos of the post office. Rather than try and silence the poets with incarceration, apparently they buy them off with foreign cars and other rewards. Welcome to the twenty first century and the gulag of assets. For more information on the aitys: http://www.cacianalyst.org/?q=node/4465

Time hums, poets rant, and the effervescence of universal themes bubbles up across cultures.

Kazakhstan, the marketplace

At the open air market place, some vendors keep candles in their vegetable cases to keep the cucumbers from freezing. That's how cold it is. Imagine doing your marketing outdoors at minus 20F. We did visit a couple of modern malls, but couldn't afford anything there. In fact it was at the Green Market, pictured above that we found the only bargain: pomegranates for 1/2 the price we pay at home.



Shopping for spices out of bags on a table and not packaged with little hints on the side like "poultry seasoning" betrays our ignorance. In general, the food packaging was much more sparse (and sensible) than it is here. Milk was sold in vacuum sealed boxes that don't require refrigeration until the seal is broken, or in plastic bags. The local convenient store did not have aisles of bags of chips and snacks, but had fresh buns on a tray, fresh potatoes and onions and an entire wall of vodka. Although there is a minimum drinking age, no one seems too concerned about enforcing it.

I'm not sure how we got out of the market without taking pictures of the horse meat, but somehow we did. Meat just hung in large slabs, tongues and heads prominently displayed. Why not? It was freezing, nothing was about to spoil in a hurry. It would have been fun to sample some of the fare being sold in these pots; we had no idea what was in them. Dishes seemed to contain meat, but in small chunks, not the large slabs we demand here.

Tonight Michael is going to attempt to cook a lamb/beef/noodle dish we sampled for lunch the last day there. We also went to a classic Kazakh restaurant and sampled camel and horse. I didn't like the texture of the horsemeat, found it strong and stringy, but that could just have been my attitude reflected in my tastebuds.



Some of the best food we had came out of the school cafeteria. Homemade mushroom soup, lasagna, home made apple pastries that really tasted like apples and not straight sugar. It is amazing what kinds of chicken nuggets dipped in cheezewhiz garbage we feed our kids at schools. We saw them pushing in a wheelbarrow sized basked of fresh veggies into the cafeteria to be converted into lunches -- nothing pre-packaged. We could definitely learn from that lesson.

So, mostly the US dollar did not go very far in the Kazakh market, but we did manage to score some beautiful felt products. I think my favorite souvenir is a hand decorated necklace from Uzbekistan that one of the conference attendees was kind enough to hang around my neck. I've worn it every day since. While I was happy to get home to my local Heinens this AM, I wish I had had more of an opportunity to sample more of what those ladies had cooked up.

Traveling through Kazakhstan with Lenin

Alamty, Kazakhstan does not have soft edges. It is not warm and fuzzy. The sharp air that pinches the nose matches the looks from strangers pushing in line and the spike heels on the women’s boots. The straight lines of the Soviet style high rises are persistently drab in a public housing sort of way and the traffic is merciless. Tension still exists between the Russians and the Kazaks and walking around in public with Michael attracts attention -- the consensus is, he looks like Lenin. When the driver told him that we thought it was an abberation, but then it turned out to be unanimous.

The internet connections are uniformly lousy. The wireless at the hotel was so slow I wanted to slit my wrists and most people here pay for their connection per download. I’m not quite sure what that means, but I think it means you don’t just cruise around reading using your stumble browser. We are having a good time, but it is because of the people we have met at the school, not any kind of delight in the surroundings. The cold ranges from shocking to piercing and the smog is so thick that we have been able to even see the mountains since Wednesday.

Last night after the conference wrapped up, Michael and I spent some people-watching time at the mall. Imagine a mall populated by families and the usual proliferation of teenagers where a DJ sets up at 8:00PM and appears to just get rolling. Also try to imagine all these teenagers (lots) and not one single hoodie, no slouching balloon pants and all the girls in tight jeans and spike heels. The spikes are pencil thin and defy logic. Black is the uniform color rather than sweatshirt gray. None of the kids are overweight nor are the girls adorned by the characteristic American muffin top over their jeans. The kids seem affectionate to one another, girls often walking arm in arm or holding hands. There were no inappropriate displays of affection the mood and voices hushed with none of the loud posing that goes on at our local mall. This mall, that seemed so familiar in many ways, was also clearly not.

We were fresh from a dinner at an Italian restaurant where I had no hope of reading the menu and ordered what I thought was spaghetti with tomato sauce and turned out to be dark green spinach pasta with small salmon chunks, roe and a rich white sauce. What an insanely pleasant culinary surprise. And then I decided I had a taste for chocolate and attempted to buy an overpriced ice cream cone, but gave up as one person after another crammed in front of me. People here have a heritage of fighting their way to the fronts of food lines and the concept of lining up and taking turns is as foreign to them as the print on the Baskin Robbins menu was to me. I satisfied my need for chocolate at the grocery instead. The checkout girl was brusque, but at least I got waited on - even though I was traveling with Lenin.

Amaty Literacy Festival

This was a fun two days. Teachers from five locations in Central Asia were in attendance, some coming in on delayed flights and others after their bus was hung up at the border. Conference coordinator Maura Martin had requested that we bring coffee for the start of the conference. Coffee? Isn’t that a staple found on aisle six? Not here, here they have instant Nescafe. The Starbucks was was well received by the traveling teachers.

These teachers are risk takers by nature – they leave the security of home and their local grocery stores to travel to places I can’t even spell to teach children to speak English and study math, science and cultural studies all at the same time. Since it takes a kid an average of seven years to master English alone, this seems equivalent to keeping six balls in the air simultaneously, a remarkable feat of mental multitasking. I don’t know how they do it.

This area is growing so fast and the demand for English language schools is so great that one of the schools has gone from a population of 5 to 50 since September. I was humbled to be there talking to them about poetry and performance. We spoke in the cafeteria which had universal acoustic challenges of all cafeterias, and then in classrooms alive with student artwork.

In one hallway display, 9 year olds had colored in all the continents of the world in different colors, followed by a page where each drew a picture of their home country’s flag (Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, and places all over) followed by another sheet where the students listed their homeland’s best food, music and native dance. At dinner we tried to guess what the native dance of the US might possibly be. Square dancing? Clogging? Break dancing?

The teachers were uniformly and enthusiastically involved and wrote like crazy in all of our workshops. In the picture above the teachers had written a group poem about the skeletal system and then performed it with much bravado, the culmination being when the gym teacher dropped to the ground to demonstrate what a person would be without a skeleton – a blob!

The finale of the two days was a poetry slam demonstration where 7 teachers read with humor and pathos. Everyone applauded the poets and wanted to hang the judges, of course. And there was lots of laughter and good spirit spilling out everywhere. Many thanks to Maura, Russ and Dan for making it all happen.

What I will remember are the intense and friendly eyes of the teachers. Probing. Smiling. People you would want to go to dinner with. People you could entrust your children to for learning. I’m so glad we came.

Arriving in Kazakhstan

Inside the airport a gray mist hovers, gathering in intensity toward the vaulted ceiling. It is -30C/-2F outside and dark outside with few lights and no moon to reflect on the snow when we land at 5:30AM. The first person we are greeted by is a fellow in a soviet style wool grey uniform with an expression to match. He has a clipboard and not even a hint of a smile as the weary passengers trundle up the unheated jet way laden with packs and overstuffed bags. Another officer tells Michael to put his camera away in the airport, no pictures permitted. Not only does the customs agent not smile, he doesn’t even look up to make eye contact as he snaps his stamp, CHUCK CHUCK, on my documents. As we round the bend toward baggage we see one smiling face, Maura Martin, the teacher who has invited us, mouthing warm hellos and waving excitedly. The bags take forever, which might have been frustrating except we know the collapse of not having them arrive at all and we are grateful all of the books (and a few clothes) have miraculously managed to follow us 12,000 miles.

The sun rises late here, not because we are that far north, but because it has to lift its light over breathtaking mountains. We take a short nap and walk to the school, a building only four years old and decorated wall to wall in all kinds of student learning art. In every classroom the windows extend to the ceiling, welcoming all the sun has to offer. And everyone at the school is welcoming with broad smiles and the first impression at the airport is lost with the early morning mist. Tonight we will try to sleep a somewhat normal schedule and tomorrow we hope to go into Almaty to poke around. The conference begins Friday morning.

Packing

Packing the suitcases, weighing out what's most important, repacking. Taking Starbucks to the teachers in Almaty and books and more books. More books. Can I get by with two pairs of shoes? The official list posted on the fridge. We notice Max put his name there, as if we would go to Capital University, scoop him up and put him in a suitcase. I have set aside Three Cups of Tea to read on the plane. But what's really bugging me is that I don't have a knitting project secured yet. Not so much for the plane, but for the inevitable airport waits, knitting keeps me evened out. The back and forth predictability is soothing, like a mantra. Traveling means new experiences, new people, new ideas. Knitting is a way to internalize it all, to customize the real, the imagined, and the unanswered to fit in my memory. To relive and remember.

I just finished a sweater that I made from wool scored in Italy last December when we went to visit the Smiths in Croatia. I had to start three different projects to finally find one that I actually had enough yarn to finish. The sweater pictured above was finished with less than 3 yards of wool left over. The crime is, the sweater is too bulky to pack to go to chilly Kazakhstan because of all the (did I mention?) books!

So, yesterday dragged Stephie and Scottie (who were very very patient, all things considered) to two yarn stores to find wool for a sweater for Michael. But unfortunately it is late in the season and the specific yarn needed for the pattern he chose is all sold out. I considered trying to board the plane without yarn, but that prospect gave me chest pains. Obviously, I need my mantra to attempt a transcontinental flight. So, today I am off to the yarn store again to buy enough for a floppy cowl neck for me. The pattern I found is perfect, nothing tricky, straight knitting I can almost do in my sleep. Now all I have to do is fit the yarn in the with, oh yeah, BOOKS.

Ode to the Mosquito of January 2008

Oh lone mosquito
for whom love is but remote,
your translucent wings have brought you here
by some mistake.
By whose warm but
misguided invitation have you
come to visit my bedroom on
this January night?
Poised as you are beneath my light
I ponder your presence
knowing not where you are ought to be
in dead of winter.
Is it winter?
The temperature today stretched its
mercurial arms to sixty-six.
Were you fooled by the
compromised climate’s gymnastics
just this once
or are you now become a new
accomplice to winter,
replacing frost and chapstick?
Silent, you appear as stunned as I
to find yourself beside my bed.
Mosquito, were you but illusion
I could more easily find sleep tonight.

Adventures at Home

Well, not entirely at home. At Aunt Becky's. On New Year's Eve day, the entire grand-crew (minus Sara Kelly) went for a ride out to Michael's sister's barn to visit the three new sheep, the goats, the horses and the three tortoise eggs (don't touch). Becky is a vet her family has a menagerie! Steph and Ben rode the miniature draft horse around the riding arena and Dan, Thomas and Scott were content to pet the goats. The sheep were too shy to let anyone pet them. And finally, in the last photo, everyone came back to our place to clean up.

It was colder than it looked when we left home, but the snow and the scourge of little Sara Kelly's pink eye contagion held off for another couple days, which was a blessing. I put this collage together to remind me of the day and that many and most fun adventures are right at home if we just take time to seek them out.

Long Underwear and Sun Screen

No, we are not planning a trip to ski the Rockies. We are planning two trips almost back to back and now that the holidays are over, we are beginning to organize ourselves for travel. First, we are off to Kazakhstan where the temperatures are -10F. Then we are home for a week and off to Jakarta International School, Bali for four days of vacation, and then back to Jakarta, Singapore for one night (night safari at the famous Singapore Zoo) and then Michael comes home and I'm onto Kuala Lumpur for two days and home. Hence, long underwear and sun screen are on the stack with neck pillows for the plane and plenty of reading material.

The picture of the Jakarta International School I found on fliker, taken by someone who calls himself thebigdurian. As another visiter to his site noticed, it looks like all the campus needs is hammocks and outdoor fans. Very un-Cleveland.

A teacher sent me a poem written by students from the Jakarta school about their field trip to Cairo. Keep in mind, a significant field trip in Cleveland amounts to a bus trip to the zoo not a flight to the pyramids! They did such a good job of capturing the moment that I was immediately transported, inhaling the blowing desert sands and hearing the tinkling camel bells. I know we are going to have a great time writing and sharing poetry. While we are there, our friend Georgia Heard will be visiting the elementary, an extra bonus.

Because of the Chinese New Year, we will go on holiday, too! We are traveling to Bali for some relaxation, exploration and sunshine. The teachers in Jakarta have been so helpful in providing direction for this leg of the trip.

Finally, I'm visiting students in Kuala Lumpur. This was the last stop on the trip to be scheduled and truly is a bonus. Can't wait to meet the students there.

Last night I talked to the school principal in Almaty, Kazakhstan and we discussed final plans for the teacher workshop. I almost didn't pick up the phone because the caller ID showed a number beginning with 999 and I thought for sure it was a solicitor. But no! It was Maura and she sounded like she was right next door. I never fail to be amazed at the wonder of telecommunications.

Although we are going to foreign ports, we have made email friends already. Isn't amazing how you really begin to feel like you know someone from notes that pop up on the screen! Cruising blogs and fliker sites have given us a whiff of familiarity, but like a field trip in good ol' Cleveland, it is the people we will meet that will leave the most lasting impression. Can't wait.

Three Words for 2008

I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia by Elizabeth Gilbert . I don't know if it is because of the book or because of some spotlight on ABC news last fall, but people seem to be into this three word thing. So I got to thinking about three words for 2008 -- and how I need to write them down and put them on my computer screen, the back of my hand, and on the refrigerator and everywhere else to keep my focus where it will bring me the most inner satisfaction and not feed my inner demon brat who tends to rear her ugly head at odd hours stomping around screaming like an angry punk star.

I have a computer screen roughly the size of a drive in movie screen, a gift to my eyeballs last fall. I have been utilizing this wondrous window way too much for Scrabble. That's right. Scrabble. Not writing, not blogging, not even photoshop. I suppose some argument could be made that Scrabble increases the vocabulary. but only (as Michael loves to remind me) if you really study the words and not just use them for points. Mostly the game is just that, a game. And when you get done with it, you have nothing to show for it but a score that vanishes as soon as you press "new game." Not so satisfying (although I did get a 240 point word last week, not that I remember what it was). Scrabble is one of many mind games I play with myself, some more useless than others.

Which is all to say, I think I need to narrow my word focus. So, here are my three words for 2008:

Hope, Love, Create.

Hope because I can get so discouraged by the news (economy, war, environment, hatefulness) that Hope becomes a breeze I can no longer feel. Love is about taking care of myself, surrounding myself with people and activities that I truly love. To Create is to problem solve, not problem list. It is to make something out of nothing. It depends on the other two for survival. If I don't nurture hope and a loving environment, nothing new can take root.

So those are my words.

The Globalization of Family

RAWALPINDI, Pakistan — Enraged crowds rioted across Pakistan and hopes for democracy hung by a thread after Benazir Bhutto was gunned down Thursday as she waved to supporters from the sunroof of her armored vehicle.

The news came just as Michael and I were in cleaning mode -- Kelly, Brian and the kids would be here any time and CNN was on in the background. The story was updated -- the last photo before she was shot displayed -- appropriate experts were consulted (Guiliani???), I believed she was pro democracy and I'm not so sure that the corporate interests that support her incumbent opponent are. After all, Pakistan is a major go-to place for cheap labor for the war profiteers.

Meantime, the van full of Weists arrives. Excited hugs, stories about what Santa brought, how long the drive from D.C. and who gets the bathroom first. In between cold drinks and family talk, the Bhutto story stays on in the background. Even after CNN is replaced by the Wii for a couple of quick bowling games, the grownups continue to talk about the former prime minister's rise in power, who was most corrupt, the failure of the incumbent to provide protection. We watch as each pundit warns of new dangers in our neighborhoods on the flip side of the world due to her assassination. In my neighborhood? The only Pakistani I know I bought milk from that very morning and he seems a most pleasant man. Recent arrival. We laughed because neither of us could figure out the price of a pack of gum and I agreed to come back later, thereby negotiating an on the spot chewing gum deferment.

What news did people greet one another with before the news was globalized? Did we only have Aunt Mildred's operation and Cousin Jack's infidelities to jabber about as the guests settled in? Seasoned of course with pinches of weather and travel times. Instant access to global news has not only impacted how we do business, it's changed the way we welcome one another, "Did you hear . . .?"

It's possible such disconnected greetings may not be all bad -- being met with "Oh, I guess you really have put on weight," as my tactless father said to me one time reaching out to pat my belly and plummeting my precarious self esteem and 8 years of therapy to that scary place in the basement populated by dragons, where the furnace growls and the water tank spits fire. It took weeks and another full year of therapy to drag myself up from that darkness. And then there was the time he arrived apparently having bragged up my haphazard housekeeping to his fiance Baby Blue Betty for the whole trip. From Florida to Ohio, that's a long damned trip. Unfortunately his final climactic revelation was to be whipping open my front door to my home's usually chaos. But this visit coincided quite nicely with my introduction to Mighty Maids.

When Dad, who was a Grand Master of I Told You So, discovered there was no evidence to back up his case (the Mighty Maids had even sorted out my silverware drawer, a final disappointment), he shrunk down into my too soft sofa, glowering, without even taking off his hat, Baby Blue sitting beside him like a cheer leader at half time and me wondering if I could still find my spoons in those neat little stacks. Dad's planned conversation starter foiled, the three of us sat staring uncomfortably at the heightened patina of the freshly excavated coffee table. An assassination might have come in handy in that case, and it's entirely possible one or more was contemplated. It was 20 years ago, who remembers these things.

But this case is different. We all like each other. I want to know everything that is happening in their world, with the stuttered, word twists unique to 2-4-8 year olds. Then we can talk about the business of the rest of the planet.

So, two things to remember: I intend to become quicker on that red button on the remote when family pulls in the drive, I also have to be conscious that family news (Thomas' latest new word, Danny's domination in video bowling and Ben's latest achievements on his basketball team) gets its due. More than equal billing with the global news. Family always deserves premium space.

And an always reminder that in the midst of any crisis -- be that a remote tragedy as today's, a health crisis, or economic crisis - - it is the store of moments of undistracted joy we absorb through family connections that will steady us all.

The Story of Stuff

Last night Michael and I were up at the mall (again?) and he remarked, "isn't it amazing how this season just gets people to go out and buy stuff? Look at this place." And it is. I'm a victim myself. Stuff. Lots of it. Piled in the aisles, marked up and marked down. Shoppers elbow to elbow sniffing around for bargains. Occasionally and more recently, this is really beginning to nag at me. And I admit to being a lifelong shopper, a just in case, you never know what you'll find, store cruiser. But my visceral discomfort is disrupting my natural internal browser -- I can't even look around with guilt free pleasure any more.

I wrote a poem, Don't Bury Me on Brookpark Road, sometime in 2001 after the President told us to go shopping after 9/11. Excerpt:

When I’ve punched the snooze button for the last time,
I don’t want to wind up pew-wedged between the honk and wheeze
of Mr. Donut and Mr. Muffler, across from the pawn shop,
marooned at the crossroads of more. More billboards, more tacos,
more mattresses, nail shops and temporary stops on this path to the land fill for
rental cars, wastebaskets, and girls baring a** for more.
More cat beds, more tennis racket teddy bear welcome signs,
collectible designed for ease in obsolescence.

When the non-transferable terms on my desk drawer
of lifetime warranties run out, don’t plant me beside this
hurried stream of humanity, its pace accelerating frantically
as it tapers into the purchase of today at crazy low prices, guaranteed to satisfy
(for six months or ten thousand miles whichever is lower) . . .

Which is a pathetic place to be in life -- not buried on Brookpark Road, but walking around the mall mentally quoting myself from five years ago wondering why I haven't been heeding my own words. Which reminded me of this little 20 minute video that I stumbled across, that is so succinct and precise, it is a poem in and of itself.

http://www.storyofstuff.com/

There are a lot of amazing observations in the video, but the one that smacked me the most firmly is how happiness goes down as advertising goes up. It is as if our entire media culture is producing generations of malcontents. I'm a poet, so I was born a malcontent, but I hate to see the rest of the planet pushed in the same direction. What fun is that?

Well, apparently, not much if the commercials for antidepressants are to be believed. They are almost as scary as their warning labels. Michael point out one drug advertisement to me the other day that lists "urge to gamble" as a possible side effect.

I think we all must have this affliction -- we are all gambling wildly with our futures every time we buy more of this stuff. The other day we walked into Walgreens to get a prescription and up and down aisles of stuff that no one needs. I mean no one. Plastic flowers, flashing greeting cards, synthetic garlands, all harvested from -- where? All going where?

My new year's resolution is going to be to think harder about purchasing stuff. I'm going to write that down and tuck it in the same pocket as my credit card. We'll see if that works better than just feeling guilty.

Emerick Elementary

Not just any elementary, Emmerick is my grandson Ben's school, in fact that's his head right under the first O in Holbrook. I had a great time. First, the kids all knew my name (thanks to librarian Elizabeth and all the teachers) and a lot of ground work by the PTO, Cheryl, Marcy and my daughter Kelly. Thank you thank you.



I don't think that I was too embarrassing for Ben -- I refrained from any public displays of affection and only called him Benny once. He seemed okay with the visit.

Kelly talks to schools all over the country and arranges my school visits and book sales, but this is the first time she had ever run the book sale herself. "That's a lot of work!" was her assessment (and it always is). From now on she is going to recommend that TWO PTO moms run the book sale, particularly if they are also running car pools!

But, getting back to the great time part of the day -- what nice kids -- and responsive! It was fun to meet Ben's friends and have lunch with him. I had the opportunity to write with the fourth graders and the teachers were all very involved, writing with the kids and coaching them along. They had been working on color poems and were anxious to share some of those (lucky me).

Tomorrow I drive back to Cleveland and the weather is looking a bit threatening. Hoping that the mountains of PA treat me with as much kindness as the students and faculty of Emerick!

Holiday Wishes

This morning I played around with a photo from Kelly's new camera (above), thinking about last weekend. I had Katie's two oldest, Stephie and Scottie, on Saturday. I needed to buy a filter for the fridge at Sears and pay a bill at Penney's. You don't have to know my mall to know that these stores lay at opposite ends of the shopping maze. It's like that everywhere, and the playground for the kids is right in the middle. Talk about taking kids into a candy store -- try the mall at holiday time. "Can we build a bear, buy a Webkin, this Mickey the size of Godzilla?" How can they resist? People get advanced degrees in how to drive kids into a feeding frenzy, the goal being to turn them into credit addicts before they can multiply and divide. How early do you explain to kids that those build-a-bears were made by kids their age, kids who were denied schooling and sunshine for their pleasure. If our bright eyed kids are too tender to know this, what about the tenderness of the faceless others? Do I always have to be a wet blanket on fun? Am I just a wet blanket? I stood there in the mall holding Stephie and Scottie's hands, both of them holding slurpies in the other and just said, "no, no, no," conflict raging inside of me. How much to you tell them? When?

Years ago I wrote a Christmas poem that is entirely too sentimental to ever publish. But I'm going to put it up here as we all head into another weekend of shopping. CNN will be charting our progress on Monday, weighing it against last year's binge, a report card for all the high cost marketing degreed.

December comes.
I non-stop-shop.
To guard against a yuletide flop.
When all the gifts I give go back.
I sigh. But, hey –
who’s keeping track?
What do you give to those who have?
Computers, bikes and skates –
Enough sweaters to warm Cleveland,
DVDs and tapes.
Sneakers, games and books,
magazines and jeans.
What could Christmas bring
that’s well within my means?

What if I give you patience
the next time you get stressed?
What if I say, okay,
I know you did your best.
The next time you fall short,
what if I lend a hand?
Or if things get confused,
I help you make a plan.

The next time you act smart,
what if I try to learn.
If my gift is kindness,
would that be returned?

sara holbrook

copyright 1995 all rights reserved

Worm Food

Last July I bought an indoor worm composting system from Worm Firm. http://wormfirm.com/id1.html Not just any worms, mind you, red wigglers, the Rolls Royce of worms. And fat and juicy looking squirmlies they are. It quickly became apparent that we had so many kitchen scraps, we would need two bins, so I bought another. We feed the worms veggie and fruit scraps, no pasta, meat or bread. Worm Firm, I should say, is owned by Michael's ex-wife and her husband Jonnie, both Brits and much more eco-conscientious than I will ever be.

So, after 6 months, it has now come time to harvest the worms. Or really, to harvest the worm castings and save the worms to garbage down more garbage. Or really really, to harvest the worm poop, which is what a casting is. Before you run to grab a clothes pin for the nose, be aware, this process doesn't smell. I mean, I've been pawing through worm poop for the past hour (in rubber gloves, mind you). At first I was one finger at a time tentative, but before long, I just dug right in.

The harvesting process means to turn the worms out on a plastic sheet, angle a goose neck lamp down at one corner and all the worms will gravitate towards the heat. Then you scoop up the squirming worm ball and transfer it to new shredded newspaper bedding with some veggie scraps, apple cores, coffee grounds and enough of their old castings to make them feel at home. Most of the worms followed the crowd within an hour, some however obviously have ODC tendencies and were reluctant to move toward the light. The little baby worms were (naturally) rebellious and happy to be left behind to party hearty with their baby friends unsupervised.

At first I was exasperated, stupid worms. I started to transfer them one at a time. And then this kind of calm realization came over me that you just can't rush nature. That even though this task was on my to do list for today, it might take more than one day for the worms to migrate.

Here's what else I've learned: Worms love watermelon and cantaloupe, they can dispose of the rinds in a matter of days. Teamwork. Avocado skins, not so much. Peanut shells, not at all. They want to make nests in the corn cobs, and if you don't pulverize the egg shells, they nest in those too. Apple peels go quickly, onions not so fast, leeks they have little taste for. And all of our kitchen scraps, piles of it, tupperware bin full every other day or so, has been reduced to maybe a bucketful of what looks like peat. Very rich peat. In the process of their munching, they produce something called "worm tea" which is the best fertilizer there is. I put that liquid gold in milk cartons for the flowers.

So, when I complete this harvesting, I'm going to put the castings outside so that the dirt can get a taste of Cleveland winter and will be ready for the garden in the spring. There are a lot of other things I suppose I could have done with my afternoon, but I have to say, playing in the dirt, smelling it, feeling it between my fingers while the icy winds were blowing outside, was not only a comfort, but a lesson in the patience of nature.

Kazakhstan Travel Plans

Kazakhstan lies in the north of the central Asian republics and is bounded by Russia in the north, China in the east, Kyrgyzstan and Uzbekistan in the south, and the Caspian Sea and part of Turkmenistan in the west. It has almost 1,177 mi (1,894 km) of coastline on the Caspian Sea. Kazakhstan is about four times the size of Texas. The territory is mostly steppe land with hilly plains and plateaus.

In January, Michael and I are traveling to Almaty, Kazakhstan to visit The Almaty International School http://www.qsi.org/kaz/ and speak at a teacher's conference. Already I am impressed by the school and its philosophy which leads with an emphasis on kindness. Kindness is not a word that gets airtime in US school goals. How do you develop a standardized test for kindness? If you go to the website, be sure and check out the online student newspaper which is very informative and the little video.

Airline tickets all booked and new down coat purchased, we are ready to go to the cold cold steppes -- in January (did I mention?) The trip will be long -- what the travel agent calls an "over over." Overnight to Amsterdam, get on another plane, and overnight to Almaty. The flip side of the world.

So, naturally we are looking for some background reading material to help activate and assess our prior knowledge (which amounts to zip) of this area to help increase our comprehension. Unfortunately, Lonely Planet does not have a guide. Neither does Fodor's or Frommer's. Mmmmm.

So when we went for our visa pictures at AAA and (just thought I'd ask) I asked the travel agent there if she had any brochures or travel information for Kazakhstan, she replied, "What country is that in?" Mmmmmm.

We politely informed her that Kazakhstan IS a country -- in fact the 8th largest country in the world. Casting a suspicious eye on both of us, she informed us she only had information about Europe, which looks to be only a launch pad for this trip.

Filling out the VISA application, I notice that the word for NO (as is "have you ever visited Kazakhstan before?") is OK. OK means NO? That'll make your number two pencil turn backflips. Mmmmmm.

Our contacts at the school have been warm and inviting -- in direct contrast to online descriptions we have read about the geography in January. Lonely Planet online has this caution: If you do decide to battle the winter, be aware that many domestic flights are grounded and finding food can be a problem since lots of eateries close for the season. Mmmmmmm.

But then there are the rich descriptions of the food, the hospitality, the friendliness -- all in direct contrast to the weather. Just now, I was back on the site looking at the buildings and the faces of the students, getting excited.

So, here's my today thought to ponder: Is January considered winter in a land when OK means NO?